A Visit From St. Nicholas

'Twas the Night Before Christmas, and all through the house, not a client was stirring, not even a mouse

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, in hopes that more tax shelters soon would be there

Dependents were nestled all snug in their beds while visions of tax-free gifts danced in their heads

And I in my kerchief (and also my cap) had just settled down for a long winter nap

When out on the street there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter!

Away to the window I flew like a bee, knocked over my laptop and even my tree

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below;

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a recaptured sleigh, and eight tiny rein-deer,

With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than refunds his coursers they came, and he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now! Cost-Seg, now! S-corp, now! Roth IRA, Gift-leaseback! Self-rental! now 401k!;

To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As tax cheats before the grim auditors fly, when they meet with subpoenas, mount to the sky;

So up to the office the coursers they flew, with the sleigh full of loopholes — and Santa Claus too:

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof the prancing and pawing of each little hoof.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around, down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound:

He was dress'd all in fur, from his head to his foot, and even his ten-key was covered with soot;

A briefcase of papers held tight in his hand, all big words and numbers you don't understand:

His eyes — how they twinkled! His dimples: how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry;

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow, as if daring the Tax Court to try and say "no";

The stump of a pen he held tight in his teeth, and a register tape wrapped his head like a wreath.

He had a broad face, and a little round belly (He writes off his breakfasts with honey and jelly!)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, and I laugh'd when he saw him in spite of myself;

A wink of his eye, and a "no change" letter, soon let me know I could start feeling better.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, fill'd all our stockings; then turn'd with a jerk,

And laying his finger aside of his nose, and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, with his coat free from ash, and he looked just as dazzling as fresh tax-free cash:

But I heard him exclaim, with no hint of a stress — "Merry Christmas to all, and be sure to pay less!"

The Twelve Days of Taxmas

Every year, PNC Bank publishes their "Christmas Price Index" to track the cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas. For 2019, it's a hefty $38,994. (And you thought your holiday spending was out of control!) The index may not be completely accurate — for example, the ten lords-a-leaping are valued using the cost of male ballet dancers, rather than board-certified British lords. As for the eight maids-a-milking, well, "cows not included." But still, it got us wondering . . . what sort of taxes are we looking at on the whole affair?

• Twelve drummers drumming and eleven pipers piping make quite a racket every holiday season. Hiring all that help will stir up a cacophony of FICA taxes!

• Ten lords may look perfectly happy while they're leaping. But surely they must pay a king's ransom in inheritance taxes — after all, they are lords!

• Nine ladies dancing make a lovely sight at Christmas time, especially if they're Rockettes. They also pay a cabaret tax for the privilege of displaying their talent.

• Eight maids-a-milking help make sure we have plenty of tasty eggnog to drink. Good thing so many states offer dairy tax credits to squeeze the cows on to higher holiday production!

• Seven swans-a-swimming? Six geese-a-laying? If we accept the rule of thumb that two birds per acre of pond is a manageable number, then we're looking at some serious property taxes to host our holiday flock!

• Who doesn't want five gold rings under the tree? But selling those rings can be an expensive proposition. Remember, jewelry held for personal use is still subject to 20% tax on long-term capital gains, plus an extra 3.8% "net investment income tax"!

• Four calling birds use a lot of cell phone minutes over twelve days. (They're calling birds, so unlimited texting won't help.) Naturally, that means a 5.82% federal excise tax, plus state and local sales tax too.

• Three French hens add a sophisticated "continental" touch to anyone's holiday festivities. But don't forget the import duties you pay to bring foreign livestock into the country!

• Two turtle doves are famed among bird watchers for forming strong "pair bonds," which makes them a symbol of devoted love. (That's why they're in the song.) Too bad that means they pay that pesky marriage penalty that hits high-income couples who file jointly! (Okay, we know this this one's a stretch. But we've got twelve days of taxes to fill here, so cut us some slack.)

• Nothing says "Christmas" like a partridge in a pear tree. And our tax code is full of juicy incentives for growing pear trees. You can deduct operating expenses associated with your crop; you can depreciate equipment and land improvements you use to manage your groves; and you can even take generous charitable deductions for rights you give up for conservation easements. Why, the tax savings alone should be more than enough to pay for the partridge!

Yes, even Twelve Days of Christmas just means twelve more opportunities for the taxman. So here's wishing you and your family the best this holiday season. We'll be back in 2020 to make sure you pay as little tax as possible, not just during the holidays, but all year long!